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open up - what to live for?


why do i meet people? why do i love them?

love, i mean real deep and passionate love to another person. in my whole conscious life, if i think back, i had been always in love with people, whether friends, lovers or platonic love. the elder i was, it was just easier to get in physical touch, so i had to learn the values and consequences. not only physical consequences but how do i have influence on other people. only with a tiny act i could affect people overwhelmingly strong. 

still i feel this when i take control on someone. however i do not intend to control them in that level. i mean it's like a special skill that i can manage others easily in many aspects, but i can't contorol on my side, not to control them once i started. this is not about telling them what to do, it's on meta-level. based on engaging one's interest. catching their attention i start to unshield myself to gain their empathy. but the whole thing i do is just as much hazardous to me as to the other person. so that way it is equal to both of us. but most people are not able to handle the subsequent situation as much as me: being unshielded in some way, being sincere in a very personal aspect and getting closer without getting harmed. but it's not about hurting people, it about examining them the in closest connection reachable, because i'm being so keen on them. being so near that i can clearly hear the whispering of their mind. and i let them much closer then they ever been to someone: hearing my pulse and listening to my frequences. creating tension between us, i know or feel what to suggest to their instincts. the strongest ever tried what works all the time: make them suffer by desire of an unreachable other.

reciprocity works above all: i get very close in a predictable situation, and then a bit farther. i get very close again and farther again. over the time they get used to my closeness, and they start to demand it. and miss it when i'm farther. i just penetrate into the very personal zone which is actually protected by the ego. the ego must be consequent, so once or twice opened a gap on the prototection it starts to permit the invader. otherwise it would be very  hard to explain why those occasions had happened. the consequency is much more important than real protection, so the coherent personality can survive. the only racional explanation why they permitted an invader into the most intimate zones, that this person is a trusted one, and i am allowed to enter.

while this i have a huge risk and when i get harmed i really do. i really don't know why do i take this risk again and again, why don't i have any fear over my social life but that's how i am. i feel like i am being folded in a much less capable body then my genuine, primary abilities would imply.

no, it's not about that i don't respect other human beings, on the contrary, i feel i'm too much involved in loving desirable personalities. who are interesting, clever and fragile, and in some way highly inclineable to be attracted by me. so they are easier to be observed in their predictable situations. while i take the risk of "all in": i share my memories, my deepest feelings, my life, myself. from time to time without considering the possibility of abusement or being hurt.

isn't it fair? i am as much interested in people as they are in me, when they consider me desirable. i'm showing an interactive mirror to them, i do first, just a moment before, making them imitate, so they show me at the end their souls. my soul meets their soul and the connection lifts beyond physical level to pure love.

 like i would have this mission to show them how do they have to connect to others. to instinctively make them wake up, connect and see themselves in global context. the context of an invisible network of souls and subjects reflecting to souls, souls reflecting to other souls, and finally souls echoing their own substance in the whole universe.

metaphysical love connects me to many people. however i can feel only the fraction of all, but this i do feel very deeply, confusingly similar to the essencially physical passion. being in pain of their pains, being excited of their experiences, and being in love with myself via them, seeing myself that way exquisite and incredibly attractive. through others eyes being touched is a supernatural experience, whether relation is physical or imaginery. thinking of being someone's fantasy is much stronger than any of my own ideas. that makes me strong and wulnerable at the same time, so in a word deeply human. essence of mankind happens in a tiny soul that i call myself. thats why i'm doing love, passion and hazard.

those are the only to live for, live with and live trough.